


Afraid to love you

by neowise



Series: NCT pairings as Day6 songs [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:42:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24200779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neowise/pseuds/neowise
Summary: Sometimes love is not always enough. For Jaemin and Renjun, their love had an expiry date.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Series: NCT pairings as Day6 songs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746679
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Afraid to love you

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for Kang. Inspired by the song Afraid by Day6 from their latest album, The Book of Us: The Demon. 
> 
> Song link: https://open.spotify.com/track/4IIzisEAQJ0pDkvHChn9O4?si=dRgtFt_OQvWWZn_0BVajFA
> 
> This is a work of fiction only and I don't own anything. Also, I respect the real song writing process of Day6 as much as I respect their talent. 
> 
> Please give Day6 lots of love and love NCT alot too! If there is a pairing + song you want to recommend please send me a comment ^_^

You resemble the moon  
Illuminating the black sky  
But your light is becoming  
Overshadowed by my darkness

Jaemin remembers the first time he met Renjun. On that day, the weather was not too hot, a bit windy. It was the perfect early autumn weather for him to wear his favorite denim jacket. He aced his last test and when he arrived at the cafe to meet his friends, they were playing his current favorite song. A few seconds later, he made eye contact with the boy he would call the love of his life for a very long time.

Yes, he is a hopeless romantic. But he swears to all his friends that it was love at first sight. 

Every time Jaemin shares that story, in that dramatic, detailed way, to new people they meet, Renjun would laugh heartily. It’s a laughter that Jaemin always cherishes, files into his favorite sounds from his boyfriend. 

And Jaemin wishes he could make every day as perfect as the first day they met, or as happy as the early days of their friendship turned into a relationship. 

But of course it’s not possible. Reality gets in the way and even when sacrifices are made, it’s still not enough. And Jaemin knows that he is not the most selfless person out there. He wants nothing more but to keep Renjun by his side as selfishly as possible because Jaemin himself is willing to make his whole world revolve around one person, if it’s not yet at that point. 

But whenever he closes his eyes, all he sees are either his failing grades or the look on Renjun’s face after their screaming matches, mostly because of Renjun’s jealousy. He loses sleep over the big internship he begged Renjun not to take six months ago. They lie to their friends, showing a loving facade when they go out but in reality they barely talk to each other inside their shared apartment. They lie to themselves, lashing angry words to start conversations just because they miss hearing the other’s voice. 

They’ve only been together for three years, a whirlwind of romance of meeting serendipitously, trying to be friends for weeks only to realize they both are attracted to each other. They moved in together after a year of dating, and Jaemin wants to believe they were happy. But the last six months had been terrifyingly difficult. Suddenly, all the insecurities and issues they overlooked in the past are hounding them and they were both suffering. It’s three years of their lives they gave up for a relationship that will not last, Jaemin realizes now. It can’t be sustained, love is not enough.

“Let’s break up, Renjun-ah.”

Jaemin whispers as he lies on their shared bed, wide awake. He’s not even sure if Renjun is still awake because the boy is facing opposite him. Jaemin can’t even remember when was the last time they slept facing each other.

Jaemin hears a sigh, and he thinks this is really it now. 

“This is really the end, right?”

Jaemin feels his chest tighten. He turns around to face Renjun’s back. But Renjun turns to face him too a few seconds later, tears beginning to form in his eyes. 

“Renjun-ah, I’m sorry. I will not be able to make you happy anymore.”

“But we really tried right? We tried to make it work.”

“Yes, we did all we could. I don’t want another day to pass that you are unhappy because of me.”

“How do we do this? Do we just leave this house and suddenly stop talking to each other? Do we stay friends?”

Jaemin laughs bitterly. “We were never just friends, Renjun-ah.”

“That’s true. So do we go back to being strangers? It won’t be easy, Jaemin. This is three years of our life.”

“I don’t know. I’m moving out tomorrow. I will be living with my cousin for a while. We still have four months in our lease here that’s fully paid so you can stay here if you want. But I have a request from you.”

“Request?”

Jaemin closes his eyes and reaches out to hold Renjun’s hand. “Please accept the internship offer in New York. I saw the offer, and it’s even better than the first one you received. You gave up the first one for my selfish request before. I can’t make you give up your dreams twice.”

“Stupid. I didn’t give that up for you. I gave that up for us. I was scared to go too.”

“But us… what we call us is not worth it anymore, Renjun-ah. I caused your fear. This relationship made you insecure and scared and you are failing to reach your dream because of us.”

“But it’s still my choice, Jaemin.”

“So make a better choice now, Renjun.”

Five years later

“We cannot release that song, hyung!” Jaemin argues to his friend slash mentor slash boss, Doyoung. 

“Why? It’s a good song, Jaem. It will be a good follow up release to Donghyuck’s last song. Do you think he will not give justice to the song?”

“Of course Donghyuck will give justice to the song. Donghyuck can sing the phone directory and it will still sound so good.”

“So why do you not want it to be released? People deserve to hear the song.”

“Because it’s personal.”

“All your songs are personal,” Doyoung argues. “Mark described your song writing process as digging through years of suppressed memories and coming out with the saddest love songs.”

“This is not like that. This song was made years ago, at the height of my heartbreak. And it’s written for a particular person. He will know it’s his song.”

“You’ve always released under a different name. It won’t be traced back to you if you don’t want it too. And if it did, are you scared he will ask for compensation? Was this co-written with him?”

“No. Not like that. But if Donghyuck releases this song, it will be a hit. People will ask and talk. He will hear it and he will know it was written for him. And all other songs I wrote because or for him, he will know them too.”

“Are you… are you still in love with him?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he is just my muse. But he is living a happy life now. I don’t want to cause any more drama in his life.”

Doyoung sighs in defeat. “Please just think about it again, Jaem. Does this song really not deserve to be heard?” 

*

For weeks, Jaemin did not think about it consciously. But it’s always at the back of his mind. Because maybe this is the exact thing he needs. A final goodbye.

So he gathered his band and gave them the music sheets.

Mark, his composing partner and the band’s lead guitar, only looks at the sheets curiously. He already saw it before, afterall.

Jeno, the drummer, hums. He knows the song too, heard Jaemin playing it before in practice. 

Jisung, the bassist, and Chenle, the rhythm guitar and subvocal, are already trying out the chords.

Jaemin sits on his keyboard as he waits for Donghyuck to finish looking at it. 

Their band doesn't really perform publicly as it is more of a personal hobby than a career. The band -- and their friendship -- was formed four years ago after they all met in SM Entertainment.  
They all do music-related work for their entertainment label but they prefer work behind the scenes. For Jaemin and Mark, that means writing songs for other people. 

Of them six, only Donghyuck is the real celebrity. A popular soloist who goes by the stage name Haechan, he is a well-loved singer. Jaemin knows he can trust this song to his friend. But he is scared too because Donghyuck’s popularity will make sure everyone in Korea will hear the song. He just hopes Renjun isn’t living in Korea anymore.

“Am I really allowed to sing this, Jaemin?” Donghyuck asks softly. 

Jaemin smiles at his friend. “Are you scared you won’t give justice to it, Hyuck?”

Donghyuck laughs. “Pfft. You know I can make it even better.”

“Then sing it. Sing it for me,” Jaemin says. Donghyuck nods and Jaemin begins to play. 

*

As Jaemin had predicted, the song did become a hit. It took three months of recording and preparation for the whole album promotion but the release was successful. The title song, Jaemin’s song, topped music charts. Jaemin would like to think it’s less of his songwriting skills but more really because of Donghyuck’s voice and popularity. 

Donghyuck thanked him and their band graciously in all the music awards he attended. Jaemin earns the royalties. And Renjun -- Jaemin stalked his facebook and instagram at least twice for the last few weeks after the song was released -- never hinted about it.

So maybe that’s really it. This is the closure Jaemin wanted.

*

It’s been many years ago but Jaemin still remembers the first time he met Renjun. The weather, what they were both wearing, how he felt when his eyes first landed on Renjun.

And Jaemin is sure, he will remember again for many years in the future, the first time he meets Renjun again after their separation. 

It’s the last days of summer, in a newly-opened bakery near their office that Jaemin came across by accident. He remembered Chenle and Jisung were talking about how good the pastries and bread were from that shop and since Jaemin spotted it already, he decided to try it.

It’s drizzling just a bit when Jaemin alighted from his car, so he rushed to the bakery and didn’t really pay attention to the surroundings. 

When he finally looked up to the counter, his eyes met a pair of eyes he hasn’t seen in person for years.

“Renjun,” he whispers the name, still sounding very familiar from his voice.

Surprisingly, at least to Jaemin, Renjun smiles. 

“Hi. It’s been a long time,” Renjun says. He whispered something to the other guy wearing the same apron as his before removing his apron and leaving the counter. 

“It’s kind of amazing to see you again now. I was actually thinking about you the past weeks. Don’t be creeped out but there’s this really popular song now and every time I hear it, I weirdly think about you,” Renjun says. 

Jaemin laughs, not knowing what to say.

“Tell me about this song. Is it… do you want… can we have dinner together some time?” Jaemin asks, stumbling on his words because he still feels shocked.

“That would be nice. How about tomorrow night? It’s the weekend so we close the shop early.”

“Is this shop yours? Since when have you been back in Korea?”

“I only came back last year. I run this place with a friend. Though he’s more of the business side.”

Jaemin nods and looks around. When he looks back at Renjun, he’s still smiling at him. Jaemin smiles too, slightly blushing. He feels like this is the first time he blushed again in years.

Jaemin fumbles with his pocket to find his phone and gives it to Renjun. 

“I don’t know your number anymore because you changed it. Can I have your number? Again?” Jaemin asks.

Renjun pouts and asks “How did you know I changed my number?”

“I still tried calling your number a year after we last saw each other,” Jaemin confesses.

“Oh,” Renjuns says. “I did change my number. I’m sorry I didn’t try calling you again after… that time.”

“It’s okay. I have a different number now too. And, really, there was no need to call then.”

“But it’s okay to call now? No one will get mad?”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow. It took many seconds before he understood Renjun’s question. 

“No. There’s no one. Haven’t had someone in many years. How about you?”

“There’s no one right now too.”

Jaemin nods, oddly pleased with the answer. “Then I’ll contact you later so we can talk about where to meet tomorrow?”

“Okay. But are you leaving already? I thought you wanted to buy something here. We have good pastries.”

“Ah yes. My friends were actually talking about this bakeshop that’s why I decided to pass by. Can you recommend something to me?”

“I’ll pack you some of our best stuff that you might like. I’m not sure if your tastes have changed drastically though,” Renjun says, a hint of uncertainty on his voice.

Jaemin’s eyes widen as his heart beats profusely over Renjun’s mention of the past.

“No. Many things have changed in the last five years. But some things… some things are still the same.”


End file.
